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Chapter 4 focuses on two primary emotional systems, love and stress, and the surprising and contradictory ways they can influence your sexual responsiveness.

Then chapter 5 describes the cultural forces that shape and constrain sexual functioning, and how you can maximize the good things about this process and overcome the destructive things. Master the content in these chapters and your sexual life will transform—along with, quite possibly, the rest of your life. This is where we learn why arousal nonconcordance, which I mentioned earlier, is normal and healthy.

If you or your partner have ever experienced a change in your interest in sex—increase or decrease—this is an important chapter for you. And finally, in Chapter 9, I describe the single most important thing you can do to improve your sex life. Several chapters include worksheets or other interactive activities and exercises. All of them turn the science into something practical that can genuinely transform your sex life. You can imagine each woman as a collage of snapshots—the face from one photograph, the arms from another, the feet from a third.

Like all new ways of thinking, it opens up a lot of questions and challenges much preexisting knowledge. One more thing before we get into chapter 1. I want to take a moment to recognize the damage done by that lie. So many women come to my blog or to my class or to my public talks convinced that they are sexually broken.

Come As You Are

They feel dysfunctional. Get over it. The good news is that when you understand how your sexual response mechanism works, you can begin to take control of your environment and your brain in order to maximize your sexual potential, even in a broken world. And when you change your environment and your brain, you can change—and heal—your sexual functioning. It explains everything! How do I know?

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

Evidence, of course! At the end of one semester, I asked my students to write down one really important thing they learned in my class. I learned that I am normal! And I learned that some people have spontaneous desire and others have responsive desire and this fact helped me really understand my personal life. Women vary! And just because I do not experience my sexuality in the same way as many other women, that does not make me abnormal. The one thing I can count on regarding sexuality is that people vary, a lot. That everyone is different and everything is normal; no two alike.

No two alike! And many more.


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The science says so. I can prove it.


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Read an excerpt of this book! But wait. Women and men both experience orgasm, desire, and arousal, and men, too, can experience responsive desire, arousal nonconcordance, and lack of orgasm with penetration. Women and men both can fall in love, fantasize, masturbate, feel puzzled about sex, and experience ecstatic pleasure.

They both can ooze fluids, travel forbidden paths of sexual imagination, encounter the unexpected and startling ways that sex shows up in every domain of life—and confront the unexpected and startling ways that sex sometimes declines, politely or otherwise, to show up. We think about our physiological behavior—blood flow and genital secretions and heart rate.

We think about our social behavior—what we do in bed, whom we do it with, and how often. A lot of books about sex focus on those things; they tell you how many times per week the average couple has sex or they offer instructions on how to have an orgasm, and they can be helpful. What we want to know is why and how it came to be. Or were they never in love but were forced to marry, and finally became free when they divorced?

In the last decade of the twentieth century, researchers Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction developed a model of human sexual response that provides an organizing principle for understanding the true story of sex. And the sensitivity of each component varies from person to person.

This is the mechanism underlying the behavior—the why and the how. An apple tree can be healthy no matter what variety of apple it is—though one variety may need constant direct sunlight and another might enjoy some shade. But it has different needs at each of those phases in its life. You, too, are healthy and normal at the start of your sexual development, as you grow, and as you bear the fruits of living with confidence and joy inside your body.

We are all the same. We are all different.

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We are all normal. The three chapters in the first part describe the basic hardware you were born with—a body, a brain, and a world. In chapter 1, I talk about genitals—their parts, the meaning we impose on those parts, and the science that proves definitively that yes, your genitals are perfectly healthy and beautiful just as they are. Chapter 2 details the sexual response mechanism in the brain—the dual control model of inhibition and excitation, or brakes and accelerator. Then in chapter 3, I introduce the ways that your sexual brakes and accelerator interact with the many other systems in your brain and environment, to shape whether a particular sensation or person turns you on, right now, in this moment.

Chapter 4 focuses on two primary emotional systems, love and stress, and the surprising and contradictory ways they can influence your sexual responsiveness. Then chapter 5 describes the cultural forces that shape and constrain sexual functioning, and how you can maximize the good things about this process and overcome the destructive things. Master the content in these chapters and your sexual life will transform—along with, quite possibly, the rest of your life.

This is where we learn why arousal nonconcordance, which I mentioned earlier, is normal and healthy.

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If you or your partner have ever experienced a change in your interest in sex—increase or decrease—this is an important chapter for you. And finally, in Chapter 9, I describe the single most important thing you can do to improve your sex life. Several chapters include worksheets or other interactive activities and exercises. All of them turn the science into something practical that can genuinely transform your sex life.

Nirvana - The Man Who Sold The World (MTV Unplugged)

You can imagine each woman as a collage of snapshots—the face from one photograph, the arms from another, the feet from a third. Like all new ways of thinking, it opens up a lot of questions and challenges much preexisting knowledge. One more thing before we get into chapter 1. I want to take a moment to recognize the damage done by that lie.